I rarely fall for people, I have excellent balance

Dear Internet,

Yes, I’m single.

Something comedians often use as a punchline on stage.

‘So I’m single…’

Or they tell ‘hilarious’ stories about their partner and then admit they’re just kidding

‘I don’t even HAVE a girlfriend’

(by this statement you could assume that all comedians are ONLY  boys or lesbians… but actually it’s just that most of them are boys, and the girls usually joke about being lesbian anyway… )

This blog is not a cry for help. I’m not in need of advice, please don’t tell me how fabulous I am, or how it’s ‘their loss’. Once a very close friend told me that the reason I hadn’t been in a relationship for such a long time (2006 – 2010, why does that read like a gravestone?) was because there was something ‘wrong inside’ that I wasn’t dealing with, but apparently once I figured out what it was then ‘it would start happening’.

I hung up on them.

Although denial is often the first sign of a problem (and I’m sure I do have problems) I’d like to strongly deny that something ‘wrong inside’ is the reason I’m not in a relationship. There are plenty of people who have something ‘wrong inside’ and still manage to find themselves in relationships.

The thing is no matter how many people you’ve gone out with, how long you’ve been married, how you found your partner or how many of your friends you have set up with other people, you cannot give me a sure-fire recipe to finding a successful relationship.

Relationships are not like baking a cake.

There is not a universal set of instructions where you get guaranteed cake (read relationship). There is no recipe that EVERYONE can follow. Someone isn’t single because they missed one small step, and that’s why it didn’t work…

“Oh he doesn’t want to go out with you?
Let’s see… oh you forgot the put the self-raising flour in… the heat is on way too high…oops, you followed a recipe for flatbread…”

It’s not that I don’t get a bit sad about it occasionally, or feel a bit like a lesbian that hasn’t realised she’s a lesbian (there’s that lesbian reference I promised in the first paragraph!) or that I’ve stopped falling for people..

I still have crushes, I still fall in love with strangers in supermarkets when we buy the same brand (oh how very GEN-Y of me…), I’m not a nun and I haven’t been celibate for half a decade. There have been boys.

It just doesn’t work out for me most of the time.

Yes, yes, there is advice for people like me. For the singles.

I admit I’m not good at flirting. I suffer from chronic FLIRT-FAIL resulting in frequent mis-interpretations.

Mainly because so many boys think a smile and a hug is a ticket to my bedroom… uh, no thank you, I was just saying hello.  Although you won’t know if I do like you – because you’ll get the same hug and smile that everyone else gets.

FLIRT-FAIL!

I also realise that I hang out with the same friends and social circles frequently, and actually very rarely meet anyone ‘new’ (although at a certain age most people aren’t  really ‘new’ and ‘second-hand’ seems a more appropriate term).

YES I’VE HEARD OF INTERNET DATING! eHarmony actually looks quite good, so maybe when I get back from travelling…

I know there are things I can do.

And sometimes it does make me sad.

When it does I appreciate your hugs, your advice and occasionally I even buy into your ‘fabulous’ descriptions of me and generic statements about fish swimming in sea (although you have to admit a lot of fish look similar and smell quite bad). But please, don’t feel sorry for me or feel that there is something to ‘fix’ in this situation.

That’s it. That’s all.

Now…I’m off to the supermarket.